I gave in to a friend, who asked for me through my brother, and we had a talk. It helped, but only a little. My stance has softened some, but not a whole lot. The three of us will spend less total time in the realm for a while, and that time will be more evenly divided between us. My brother has already completed a quest, and my cousin has leveled, just since I last wrote here. They have even started forming their own circle of friends. I have warned them, however, not to get too close to anyone. It is the nature of the realm that makes time the most valuable commodody. People here are, for the most part, very helpful and giving. Ask anyone for anything and if it is within their power they will get it for you or help you to get it for yourself. The hardest thing to get from anyone is time. My two favorite things here are accomplisments in the field and friendly conversation. I don't train as much as some and I get much more of the first than I do the second. Perhaps it is me.... but every time I try to make an adjustment to how I relate to someone I just seem to make things worse. I blame the lack of time to do things right. Time to get to know someone, time to let things soak in to help one undertand, time to think about how to say what needs to be said. I will slow myself down, take the time to think, and be more careful what I say. I know that will increase the occasions that I am left standing with my mouth open when people disappear, but I will deal with that. It's their ire I can't handle any more. And by spending less time there, I will spend less time standing around alone. This has been the most rambling piece of nonsense I have written up to now. But I will leave it as it is. It's me. Without editing you can see a little inside my mind. Not a pretty sight is it?

OK... I give up. That's it. I'm done. How many more ways would anyone want me to say it. You win, I lose. It's over. Wrap me up in plastic and call me leftovers. Oh yeah, no plastic. I.... just ..... don't .... fit ..... in. I've said it so many times before..... then I get told it isn't true, and then treated like it is. People tell me they will be my friend forever, no matter what.... Then treat me like a stranger. Not just one... but many. Is it me? Am I so likeable on the outside and so repulsive on the inside that once people get to know me they just toss me away? People literally run and hide! They poof out through smokey or swirly things.... they say they are going to rest and stay on the board active for an hour or more..... If they were only half as honest as they say I am I would either have adjusted to being here... or left a long time ago. I am tired. My energy is gone. When anyone that cares at all goes looking for me they will look here and find this... and know I am finally gone. Will I be back? Start a pool, I'll take never. Can't guarantee it but come on..... who would I come back to, who would I come back for? People that run me in circles, people that tell me half truths, people that are rarely here when I am, people that say they care.... and seem to have forgotten what that means. Too busy I guess. Sorry about the party. I know it will happen without my help. I hope everyone has a great time.......

What was it I said a while back? When I try to be serious I sound like a donkey? Well, evidently over the last couple days I have made a real horses behind of myself. And the worst part being I'm not really sure how. It is becoming more and more obvious every day that I do not belong here. I disappoint people, I hurt them, I anger them, at the very least I confuse them, and I certainly confuse myself. Now I have been told I am too honest. There have been times I could have used more tact but..... no, I couldn't! To do that in any situation I can think of would have been telling half truths, holding back information that was important to the conversation and our lives, or purposely trying to decieve or manipulate someone. That is not me! My energy again grows low. If I do not find a way to recharge before I run dry I will just simply cease to exist. My master can enter the realm with my brother or my cousin, and leave me on the shelf. We all may be better off that way.

I know I shouldn't do this. This kind of thing takes away from the fun, from the reason many of us are here. But at this point, for myself and those who are close to me here, I believe it necessary. Our masters have no choice but to bring part of themselves with them when they enter the land as us. Some try to form a personality completely different than theirs, some don't try that at all. No matter the effort, some of them leaks through, and becomes part of us. That is the nature of the realm. Sometimes those leaks affect things here more than others. It is up to us to decide how to handle that, to decide what adjustments to make. My master is, for the most part, an honorable man. He is also a proud and humble man that wears his heart on his sleeve. I... am he. My brother and my cousin have somewhat different personalities, but I am he. My master is occasionally told things by others masters. He keeps such things in confidence and adjusts my path accordingly. We all know how difficult it is to sort the realm from RL, and truth from fiction... in both worlds. I will continue to do my best to do that. I will also continue to be me, for I can be no other. I will continue to wear my heart on my sleeve, for that is my nature. Which means I will continue to love much and quickly. I will continue to try to believe what I am told, no matter the conflicts. And to keep my promises, because I hold honor above all else.

What can I say? Sometimes things work out perfectly. Sometimes they never had a chance from the beginning. Unforntunately you can not tell at the beginning. One only knows somewhere down the road. The only way to go through life is to go ahead and travel the road, and see what happens. Take on all the twists and turns, bumps and potholes, and if possible follow through til the end. After all, if you find you don't like where it took you, there is always another road. Enough of that analogy. Let's try another. Hey batter, batter, SWING.... strike two.

People come and go so quickly around here. As is the nature of the land, I have come to believe. What happens one day, do not expect to necessarily happen the next. Heck, what happens one minute may not be in fashion the next... and for no apparent reason at all. I am starting to get used to things. My energy is returning, although slowly. I think too much, I talk too much, I sing too much, I write too much. Do I expect too much? I try to handle her carefully. Not like damaged goods, but like a delicate flower.

I had two conversations yesterday. Both were helpful. But they were quite different. One, with a friend, was warming but guarded. It seemed at times more of a duel than an agreement. When I spoke of colors, she spoke of black and white. When I spoke of specifics she spoke of abstracts. When I said tomato, she said tomato...... hmm, that doesn't come across well in the written word does it? *grins* None the less, I am glad to have had it than not to have had one at all. I may have learned something from it, given time for it to soak in. The other conversation, with a friend, was supportive and revealing. In a way I could have had the conversation with myself with the same result because I already knew everything that came to light. I worry over little or nothing, I look for problems where there are none, I overthink things until I've ran myself in circles, and my self asteem is very low and I look at compliments and recognition through eyes that feel unworthy. Let me make one thing clear. I did not have such a conversation with myself, although I should have. I had it with a good friend. His time spent, the loaning of his ear, and the gift of his thoughtful observation, was priceless. I will be ever grateful. Both friendships, I believe, grew deeper and stronger becasue of the time spent talking together. And I look forward to continuing that process in both cases. But I do believe I will stop singing.

I try hard to fit in. I do not. I joke around and try to have fun and feel like I'm not taken seriously. I try to be serious and even I think I sound like an.... donkey. And I do not know how to balance them. I am not socially adept enough for such complicated give and take. Should I spend less time trying? Should I care less about people that I have known for such a short a time so I don't feel so left out, lonely, and overlooked? I will keep trying to fit in for now. My energy is running low.

I do eventually find myself reading the semi-private thoughts of those I get close to. I've decided I had better be able to offer them in kind. Being my first entry I need to do some amount of catching up. I offically gained the designation of warrior on 14 Nov. and am quite pleased with my choice. I try to be helpful and feel I have a giving nature but those who's whole life is centered around being there for others is beyond my understanding. As difficult it is for me to go about begging for help I know how I would feel toward those who do at times. Those with magic in their hands deserve much credit and respect. The realm is lucky and blessed to have them. Although I don't remember the date. (Not always as heads up on things as I should be) I do want to mention how lucky I am to be part of the Brotherhood of Honor. I have only had extended conversations with three, and there is not a large number in the guild, but they are the best people a dredge like me could be blessed enough to call family. In my personal life, things are much harder to describe. After finding out that my first friendship with a lady was only that, and finding that quite acceptable, another even closer one seems to be heading in that same direction. This time it is causing an unexplainable little ache in my heart. I am so new to this society and have known the people for such a short time it seems impossible to have such feelings. Logic says the use of the L word must be too premature in the exclusive relationship sort of way, but I can't help feel like I want her at hand every minute of every day. I miss her so when she is not around. Even though we have spent literally only small groups of seconds in the same place, getting the chance to do it again is the only thing on my mind. I don't always say the right things, and I don't always know how to act around a lady, but I know how my heart feels. It feels woderful and alive when she is talking to me.... and lost and alone when she is gone.